On Leaving Well

Photo by Jaye Haych on Unsplash

It is appointment season in the United Methodist Church. For those unfamiliar with this cornerstone of United Methodist polity, this is the process by which the resident bishop assigned to an annual conference, in consultation with the cabinet (comprised of the district superintendents) and local church Staff/Parish Relations Committees (S/PRC), appoints clergy to congregations. The United Methodist Church has a unique system of deploying clergy. Pastors are sent by the bishop, not called by the local church. And clergy hold their membership within the annual conference, not the local church. As ordained elders, we covenant to serve where the bishop sends; this system is called itinerancy. Local churches and other ministry settings to which pastors are sent are called appointments.

Appointment changes can be challenging times for both clergy and congregations. As congregations grow to love and trust their pastor, the announcement of a pastoral change can cause fear, anxiety, and even distrust of the larger denominational system. While pastors aid congregations in processing this news and the feelings such pastoral changes elicit, clergy are also dealing with their own emotions, the logistics of moving, family concerns, and more. I am feeling all of this acutely as I have been appointed to a new congregation and will begin my ministry there on July 1. At each appointment I have held, leaving it involved a mixture of sadness, excitement, uncertainty, and just feeling overwhelmed. This essay seeks to offer a reflection on leaving well, using Henri Nouwen’s concept of a ministry of absence, as elucidated in The Living Reminder: Service and Prayer in Memory of Jesus Christ, and core principles from Murray Bowen’s work in Family Systems Theory, as a way of providing clergy with best practices in the face of pastoral change. As I and numerous other colleagues begin the process of saying goodbye to our current appointments and readying for new ones, I pray there may be something here that makes the transition a little more holy.  

A Ministry of Absence 

A ministry of presence is frequently articulated in the fields of pastoral theology and care and is a hallmark of the Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE) movement. I define ministry of presence as pastoral accompaniment that includes yet transcends words and actions; it is a deep-level connection guided by empathy and compassion that invokes the person and work of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit to bring comfort, care, encouragement, and renewal. A ministry of presence is essential for pastors to hone and nurture. It is a living embodiment of the power of the Gospel. In The Living Reminder, a collection of lectures given to the International Conference of the Association for Clinical Pastoral Education, Henri Nouwen posits that “one of the mysteries of life is that memory can often bring us closer to each other than can physical presence… the more experience in living we have, the more we sense that closeness grows in the continuous interplay between presence and absence” (The Living Reminder: Service and Prayer in Memory of Jesus Christ New York, New York: HarperOne, 2009). Nouwen offers biblical support for a ministry of absence by referring to Jesus’ Farewell Discourse in the Gospel of John. It is by Jesus’ leaving his followers that the Spirit is able to come: “but the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you” (Jn. 14:26). It is through Jesus’ physical absence that the disciples may enter more deeply into the fullness of the divine life. “In his absence,” Nouwen contends, “a new and more intimate presence became possible, a presence which nurtured and sustained in the midst of tribulations… God entered into intimacy with us not only by Christ’s coming, but also by his leaving. Indeed, it is in Christ’s absence that our intimacy with him is so profound that we can say he dwells in us…” Because of the Holy Spirit, believers are reminded of Jesus Christ and the import of his life, death, and resurrection, the benefits of which are applied by the Holy Spirit who moves us forward into the promised fullness of Christian life. This is possible precisely because of Christ’s physical absence. 

When we pastors prepare to take leave of a congregation, we enter into a ministry of absence, where we trust that the good work will be continued under the guidance of the Holy Spirit. As United Methodist pastors, we pray that through our four-fold ministry of Word, Sacrament, Order, and Service, our people have been strengthened, fed, and have grown more fully into the likeness of Christ. A robust theology of a ministry of absence is instructive for both clergy and laity, in that it is a reminder that ministry does not rise or fall on any one individual. This ecclesiological truth echoes the prescient prayer upon the canonization of St. Archbishop Oscar Romero: “We plant seeds that one day will grow. We water seeds already planted, knowing that they hold future promise. We lay foundations that will need further development. We provide yeast that produces effects beyond our capabilities.” To quote St. Paul: “I planted the seed, Apollos watered, but God has been making it grow (1 Cor. 3:6).” A ministry of absence through the system of itinerancy reminds all of us that it is God who brings the work to fruition. We are called to simply be faithful wherever we are appointed.

Differentiation vs. Emotional Fusion in Ministry

At the core of Murray Bowen’s articulation of Family Systems Theory is the concept of differentiation: “Differentiation refers to how one functions in response to one’s level of anxiety” (John L. Winek, Systemic Family Therapy: From Theory to Practice, Sage Publications, 2009, 83). In other words, differentiation is the ability for an individual to respond to either external or internal situations without succumbing to emotional pressures that would elevate anxiety and other unhealthy emotional processes. It is similar to the psychodynamic concept of ego strength, an emotionally intelligent, robust sense of self that is not solely dependent on the input of others. By contrast, emotional fusion is a move away from the differentiated self and individual autonomy within a relationship, family, and/or group toward unhealthy emotional attachment. The emotionally fused individual has great difficulty taking responsibility for his feelings and behaviors, and often makes others responsible. This increases anxiety within the system and makes individual balance and emotional regulation among the members more and more difficult. 

Pastors and congregations are not immune to emotional fusion. Evidence of this often appears when it is time for a pastoral transition. While the United Methodist system of itinerancy may make emotional fusion more difficult in theory, it certainly does occur. I have seen lack of differentiation between pastor and congregation and subsequent emotional fusion in several United Methodist congregations. Pastors have crossed boundaries and have not attended to their own well-being; this has resulted in an increasing inability to balance the demands of being both autonomous from, yet connected to, the needs of the congregation. This can manifest in myriad ways. It may be marked by working incredibly long hours and not observing personal sabbath, inappropriate physical or emotional relationships with congregants, seeking personal validation from within the church, or an inability to shift out of a pastoral role with former parishioners. When pastoral change occurs, this emotional enmeshment can manifest in acute anxiety and even develop into chronic anxiety, bad behavior, and emotional reactivity, which is often marked by anger and rage. All of this is incredibly harmful to relationships between pastor and congregation, and creates a toxic environment for incoming pastoral leadership.

So, how can pastors and congregations avoid emotional fusion and understand each other as connected yet differentiated? Several best practices come to mind. First, establish and observe good boundaries. Pastors should have clarity regarding healthy boundaries, be clear in articulating them, and consistent in their enforcement. In addition, pastors should communicate with appropriate church leadership (for United Methodists, the S/PRC) regarding boundaries to gain clarity and accountability. Pastors should take time off and cultivate other healthy habits. Make family a top priority. Establish a support system of colleagues and other ministry partners. Read widely and attend to continuing education. I have found that these boundaries and more have aided in my sustaining a meaningful ministry. 

Second, find appropriate outlets for emotional processing. Boundaries easily can be violated when clergy turn to their congregants for emotional support. Pastors must be careful to model appropriate vulnerability and not over-share in their ministry context. For Wesleyan believers, this is where a band meeting might prove helpful: a group of like-minded Christians with whom to build trust, accountability, and intimacy. In addition to a group like this, connect with a therapist, spiritual director, social worker, physician, or other professionals in cultivating and maintaining emotional health. 

Third, make use of resources centered on emotional intelligence. I have found Pete Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy series to be an invaluable resource. He offers individual and congregational assessments and resources. Attend a seminar or workshop focused on some aspect of emotional intelligence. One tool that has greatly aided me in emotional intelligence is working with a genogram, a visual family tree that maps out relationships. A genogram charts relationship details between individuals and reveals patterns among family members down through generations, such as mental illness, abuse, addiction, and other behaviors and conditions. This is a great tool for understanding how family patterns influence and shape our emotional intelligence.  

A Differentiated Ministry of Absence

A ministry of absence is at the center of pastoral work. We proclaim, worship, and seek to follow someone who has taken his physical leave. While we confess by faith that Christ will come again, in the meantime, we are given the Holy Spirit to lead us through the absence. This same gracious Guide works within us to grow us into the image of Christ, and as we put on his mind (Phil. 2:5) and adopt healthy practices, we mature emotionally as differentiated disciples and find identity first and foremost in what God in Christ has done for us. For those of us in pastoral leadership, this emotional intelligence is vital in leading well during pastoral change, so we can model non-anxious presence and remain emotionally connected to, yet not fused with, the people with whom we have been entrusted. In doing so, we will move between appointments with integrity, humility, and love.   

Rev. Dr. Evan Rohrs-Dodge is the senior pastor of Belvidere United Methodist Church in Belvidere, New Jersey. He is a member of the Firebrand editorial board.